When reality sets in…

I’m always inspired by the positive words I see posted around twitter and facebook as well as the inspirational quotes always being tossed about like breaths of air.  Everything resonates with me and it all makes me feel a little more positive, a little more motivated, a little more hopeful that the world can change for the better.

Then reality sets in.

What do you really do when you’re confronted with stuff that you can reasonably assume none of the people espousing the “be positive” nonsense have gone through?  When you “get real” with these people– how often have you gotten a blank stare and a slew of positive nonsense as if you’ve just broken the robotic programming that makes their fluttery voices and rainbow prose keep flowing?  I can tell you, quite often for this writer.

Some days I pretend I’m Jesus and manifest one hundred cheeks to turn with the verbal muay thai the toxic people around me want to throw.  I follow the golden rule and act lady-like whilst I’m dumped on worse than a landfill after garbage hour.

Some days I fight back and try to shut down the toxic hurricane of shit that is brought my way.  I become the psychic fighter throwing each punch, reveling in my choke holds, and ultimately walking away victorious but bruised, bloodied, and beaten nonetheless.  And truly, it’s not like the opposition doesn’t get in a few great shots themselves– they do.  These wounds still smart after the battle is over, and I know yet another round awaits another inconvenient time.

Some days I just breathe and breathe and breathe as if the more I deepen my breath, the less the toxicity will insult me.  I breathe victory and fail to feel victorious. I breathe calm and still feel the rage bubble inside.  I breathe cooling breaths to bring down the fire and yet the fire still rages within.  I breathe fire and the water is poured within my being from the tidal wave of aggression whose focus is always on my soul.  I feel as though the only way to breathe is to stop altogether– in the moments between the breaths I need to live, I find the peace of utter silence.  But then I must breathe and the chaos swirls again.

Some days I become the shit storm and rain hell down on anyone who dares to challenge my right to be free of this toxic realm of ignorance!  I cross lines, I destroy lines, I am Kali who just wants the heads of everything on the battle field enraged and full of blood thirst– YOU SHALL PAY! is my mantra. Those who would dare try to cross me pretend they cower in fear and seek the pity of all around them as if they did nothing to inspire this rage.

Some days are a combination, some days are nothing.  Some times I am everywhere, some days I am no where.  In this world of dualism, I never know who will enter, what they will want, or who I will choose to be.  I never quite know whether or not I am doing the right thing, I never know whether or not this will ever end, I never know much of anything.

My responses never change the toxicity that’s dumped upon me with little regard for my personhood.  I am but an object to these people– an inconvenience when I try to be an independent mind.  How can you respond in any way- positive or negative- when this is what you are up against?  The toll that it takes on you to be positive, or negative in the face of such unrelenting pressures is enormous.  It takes it all from your spirit, from your body, from every faculty that you have and even those that you have not yet gained.

To say that you’ve manifested this seems almost trite and ignorant.  To say, if you can’t change your circumstances, change your attitude is complacent with this idea that it’s YOU WHO IS THE PROBLEM.  When you are bound into toxic relationships without hope of extraction by all forces around you– cultural and energetic– then you are not the problem.  The problem is deeper.  Changing your attitude will not change the aims and goals of someone who doesn’t have anything else but to constantly challenge your will to be independent of their personal hell.  This may be nothing more than a “bad” decision made in a time of lesser consciousness– and now, because of a mistake of youth, you will forever be chastised, reminded of your idiocies, degraded, humiliated, mistreated, and dumped on?  This is wrong!

It is through these trials and tribulations that I filter my information.  If I knew how to change my situation, I would.  I fear that it is not my situation to change at this point.  Who am I to decide things that are only in part of my control? Who am I to thwart the United States (in)Justice System (and therefore government) that has decided I shall endure what they think is right based upon their limited vision and deeply flawed beliefs?  Who am I to decide when there are others in this same situation that have their own karma and interactions to work through perhaps at the expense of my own?

When others nonchalantly tell me to be positive, I think they miss the point.  There is no amount of positivity that can save you from the toxic sludge that is constantly heaped into a person bound by law and energy into a situation made to wear them down into the play thing of those less compassionate to independence, success, and the right of a woman to be free.

I really do try to be better. I really give it my all to shift. There are some things possibly always beyond my control (like other people, consequences of actions from a less conscious time) that challenge me to points beyond the scope of limited “be positive” adages. I try anyway and always search for a deeper connection, for someone that understands my travels and can offer me words of solidarity.

The more I travel along this road, the more I realize I am quite alone– I think perhaps I am leading the way.  As I find my own vocabulary to define this trip, perhaps I speak on behalf of those who, like me, have not found words to articulate their experiences to a society that wants to blame the survivor.  Perhaps, then, there is no need to be positive and change your attitude but rather to create a language to explain to everyone else what it’s like along this path of non-stop toxicity. As though this world is meant to teach you the greatest karmic lesson of humanity which even grasping and defining will offer the bliss of liberation.


with hope,


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