Hookerasana– 40 ways yoga teachers sound like hoes

Just for fun.

How being a yoga teacher makes you sound like a hooker:

  1. Being able to put your foot behind your head is an occupational bonus.
  2. You get paid for servicing the needs of people.
  3. You make people sweat for an hour.
  4. The less clothes you wear the easier it is to move.
  5. The more positions you know, the more credit you get.
  6. You charge clients by the hour.
  7. Charging a small amount for privates makes you seem cheap and not worth it, charging a lot makes you seem overpriced with high expectations of mind blowing sessions.
  8. You’re judged by the celebrity of your clients.
  9. The more you can control your pelvic floor the greater you can enhance the experience of different positions.
  10. Using sound while moving takes things to another level.
  11. You regularly use a position named after a dog.
  12. You have your preferred establishments to use for practice and hosting privates.
  13. You have weird rules about what you do and don’t do and why.
  14. Rubber is the preferred material for your barrier against nasty stuff you encounter on the job.
  15. The better your adjustments the more people fall in love with your sessions.
  16. People expect you to touch them otherwise it seems like you’re not doing your job.
  17. Getting paid in cash is preferred to getting a check.
  18. The longer you work with a client, the more you’ll do during a session.
  19. You advertise yourself in creative ways trying to get business.
  20. There’s lots of professionals in competition with you of varying degrees of credibility with new ones turning up everyday.
  21. Once you start down this path, it’s really hard to stop and do something else.
  22. You get better work with a boss but they always take a percentage of what you make.
  23. The more legitimate you are, the better it is for business though you don’t need anything but desire to start.
  24. The wider you can open your legs, the more impressive it is.
  25. Brushing your teeth and taking a shower before you work is good practice.
  26. Towels are helpful and sometimes you won’t enter a room without one.
  27. Wearing socks is super controversial and most people swear you need to be barefoot.
  28. When all else fails there’s always dancing…
  29. Knowing how to use props brings in more clientele.
  30. The more specific you are with what you offer, the better you can hone your market.
  31. The more you offer, the more clients you get.
  32. You’re never too old for this.
  33. You’re never too young to start though there’s a preferred age for “professional” reasons.
  34. You’ll probably hit your peak around your 20’s to 30’s.
  35. Most of the professionals swear they don’t use drugs but you know they do anyway.
  36. Belts, straps, wedges, bolsters, pillows, blankets, and mats…
  37. At the end you fall asleep or lay there in quiet reflection.
  38. Massaging your clients after a session makes your clients happy.
  39. You probably shouldn’t eat before a session.
  40. Christians think you’re evil.

 

🙂

-Sarah

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