Breaking up with Yoga and Breaking Up

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Non attachment is one of the most persistent lessons that I keep learning in my life. I have mixed feelings on it – because releasing attachment to things is hard- and being a parent I find it incredibly challenging to be unattached to such important parts of myself and my life like my children.

Of course no one is saying to renounce attachment to your kids- but as parents know, it is a balance of non attachment and attachment and knowing when to let go. You want to hold your kid, they want to run and play. You want to run and play and your kid wants to be held- it’s a sweet and rewarding dance of balance and presence of which releasing attachment is an important part. This can be true of all non-attachment lessons, really.

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The past year I have been faced with deep non attachment- losing $10,000 worth of jewelry, family court frustrations, debt, and even trivial things (it’s mostly all trivial in the end, anyway) such as not going to events like Comic Con and knowing I won’t be able to afford others like it this year. So the yoga mentality I strive for is always a dance of “well that totally sucks” and “oh well, there’s always next year!” It can’t be anything less because things are shifting so greatly, so often that to cling to an opinion is counter productive.

Which is to say, I am of the opinion that it sucks losing expensive jewelry I will continue to pay off even long after kissing the memory goodbye, but it’s gone and there isn’t much I can do to bring it back. To hold on to the anguish or loss is to hold me back from experiencing something beyond the sparkly shit I used to wear. Put another way, I can sit there bemoaning the fate of my jewels or turn my bummer into a motivation to be more aware, more careful, more abundant, more in the ways I was less at that time. I always seek to see the lesson and benefits because there is too much sadness to focus elsewhere.

This month, it was my intention to participate in a few yoga challenges and do a healthy vegan, raw food challenge of “break up with meat.” However, my goals were bigger than my abilities as I didn’t consider the many difficulties with a full school schedule, after school sports, the dynamics of my family, a teething 1 year old, driving all over the place (I spend at least 4 hours in the car almost every day- yeah, it sucks), and well whatever else happens to people.

Despite all that, I felt I could do it and I know that’s true. However I gave up because I just knew that after a point my heart and head were arguing too much- my heart said “you can! Don’t disappoint!” And my head made excuses, rationalizations, and planned out the way it would work, stressed when it didn’t work that way… So I had to release attachment and say “okay, truly you need to plan ahead better.”

I want to be the me I know I am supposed to be- that I was born to be. I feel her and see her and exist as her and then I am falling short of her. So I know what I am capable of and yet can’t seem to reconcile that. I have a hundred reasons why, but it matters little when there is no change.

So while I set high goals for myself, I have to release attachment to the deadlines that I set sometimes. I have to return to the balance between who I am right now and who I know I am supposed to be. I have to acknowledge and respect the limitations that I have right now even though I know I am limitless.

I practice non attachment daily because I am always trying to be kind to myself and those whom I love by acknowledging that life rarely goes according to plan. Sometimes despite your best, you can only hope for the best. Non attachment allows me to be my best and hope for the best. Non attachment is possibly my coping mechanism, but it’s also just realistic- holding on to pain and frustration is harmful and serves no point. I do believe that by releasing your pointless frustrations, you can be happier.

So I was becoming frustrated because I was missing poses and didn’t have time to take detailed pictures or type up my recipes… I was spending a lot of time on the phone and not paying attention to my littles, and I was generally getting creative but at the expense of the level of quality that I prefer. So I released attachment to my goals for the moment and acknowledged that it is better for me to do something of quality when I am ready than something of poor form just to do it.

Anyway, I release attachment to this blog post now because my baby stirs and while I fancy myself a writer, sometimes you have to let go of the labels and lifestyles and embrace what life has given you- like motherhood. 🙂

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